


I Held The Dying World In My Arms

by GamerfuelSauna



Category: Half Life
Genre: Angst, Halflife, M/M, halflife2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27337591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GamerfuelSauna/pseuds/GamerfuelSauna
Summary: Gordon and Barney talk like they used to. Because Barney asked if they could. And you don't refuse a dying man's wish.
Relationships: Freehoun
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	I Held The Dying World In My Arms

You could say it was a peaceful night if you really wanted to. That it was a night just to take a break for one moment. And if you thought about it hard enough, even amidst the distant gunfire and pounding of striders legs against the ground, for the world they currently live in it was indeed a peaceful night. With the cries of desperation settling in their ears and the smoke of drifting fires invading their throats the One Free Man and Resistance Battle (and) Recon Commander leaned against eachother and clasped bruised and bloody hands together in determined solidarity.

Clouded breath passed through Gordon's lips and he suppressed a shudder, not quite from the cold but a sickening warmth creeping up on him. He slipped fingers behind his glasses and rubbed with tired fury at his eyes, catching the attention of his shorter, older companion. Barney shifted his weight with a grunt and tightened his grip on Gordon's hand just a little.

"You doing alright Doc??" His aged heterochromian eyes sauntered lazily over to the post-scientist holding so much awe and affection one might drown in it if they weren't careful. "Bit on the chilly side tonight huh??" He chuckled lightly, a low, comforting sound to Gordon as he separated his hand from Barney's to sign.

His hands hovered for a moment before he settle on an answer.

[I think all of this might be too much Barn]. He blinked rapidly a few times before continuing. [This whole thing. The war. The resistance. Being the one free man. I...I only woke up from wherever I was a few weeks ago. The world I knew is gone, it has been for 20 years. I have to learn everything all over again and all at the same time as pretending to be this...prophet or messiah that everyone seems to believe I am. I'm not...] His shoulders shook just a little bit and Barney rested a hand on one of them, squeezing lightly, a grounding pressure. Gordon carried on. [I don't wanna do this Barn. I don't wanna be the hero I can't do it. The combine want to kill me, the Resistance wants to use me and you...Barney you're the only good thing I have left and you-]

"I'm right here Gordon." Barney took Gordon's chin and gently but firmly turned his head to make eye contact. "Right now. I'm here. I'm with you, touching you, talking to you, living with you. I'm here." His set jaw softened then. "I understand. I've been living with this since it all happened, I know the ins and outs of what life is now. It's shit. But it's what it is and I've done my best to learn how to survive it. You haven't had those 20 years to learn you were just thrown into it. And now the people you're trying to save expect everything and more from you when you barely have a clue. Trust me. I get it."

There was a long moment of silence then as they broke eye contact and Barney dropped Gordon's jaw, instead choosing to pick at the bloodied grass beneath them. He heaved a sigh and thunked his head back lightly on the tree behind them. It wasn't the most comfortable spot to sit,, but it could've been worse. He could've been dead...

...

'Heh'. Barney snorted lightly as he thought,, a humourless inward laugh. He curled a heavy arm around his middle. 'Kinda hurts...'

He shifted his weight once again and slumped against Gordon, knowing the man wouldn't mind at all. Just as he suspected, Gordon seemd to visibly relax under Barney's weight tilted his head to rest on top of his. His vision blurred behind tears he wouldn't allow to fall and he started talking again to distract himself.

[You know you're my best friend,, right Barn?? There's absolutely nobody else I'd want fighting by my side. Don't get me wrong, I love Alyx and Eli and Kleiner but...you're special Barney. You were my first real friend and you kept being my friend even while I was gone for 20 years you kept hold of me. I don't think you'll ever understand what that means to me.]

He signed loosely as he struggled to control his breathing, hiccups and sobs were building in his throat but dammit he was going to be strong for Barney this time. 

Barney made no movement but he'd been listening with his eyes the whole time, his somber gaze resting on Gordon's hands, tracing them over in his mind. Every cut and scar, his blunt nails, yellowing slightly from lack of some kinda health Barney wasn't sure what. The curve of his knuckles and the veins on the back of his hands. Hands that had held his own so softly but firmly, a silent promise each time of "I've got you. You're safe with me." Hands that held Barney as he let down his defences in front of Gordon and absolutely nobody else because Gordon didn't judge and in trade for his lack of words he was great at giving hugs.

Barney hadn't realised he'd zoned out and his breathing had slowed to a terrifying level until Gordon shook him hard. He jostled up,, wincing and clutching his stomach a little tighter.

"Jeez Gordy what was that f-"

[DON'T DIE!! NOT YET!!] There was such a fierce fear in Gordon's eyes as he hands moved violently to yell at Barney. The poor man was shaking and his lips trembled as he tried not to scream at Barney to stay awake and stay alive.

[Please...]

Barney took his shaking hands into his own,, drenching them in blood sure but neither of them seemed to care,, they didn't have time to care. All they had was...well they had as long as Barney was able to hold out. One shot from a strider was all it took. The blood was flow fast and the burn particles of the beam would ensure natural healing wouldn't occur. They were too far from base or any med station to patch him up. Gordon didn't know how to help. Barney asked him just to sit and talk with him for old times sake. 

"I'll stay as long as I can darlin' I promise. You just..." He heaved a breath that seemed far too hard to take. "Keep...keep talking to me, please??" If you dared to say he was whimpering it wouldn't be a lie but he'd never admit it. "Anything at all Gordon...even if it's nuthin' nice I jus'..." Another forced inhale. "Just wanna talk with you again." It was a pained sound he made just after. A broken sound that made him feel small and weak but he held himself together like the Barney he always had been and it filled Gordon with so much pride it broke his heart. Strong as Barney was,, Gordon was always more emotional and god,, with Barney's blood slipping under his HEV suit and down the cascading roots of the tree he just couldn't keep it together anymore. Couldn't keep his mouth shut this time.

Tears fell down Gordon's cheeks; hot and burning against his skin with the withheld knowledge of what was happening. "You've been fighting for so long Barn." He rasped in an unused and strangled but determinedly strong voice. "20 years and you haven't stopped. You deserve s-so much more than-than what this war has given you. What this... resistance has given you." His words trembled and he took a shuddering breath to steady himself. "So much m-more than-than,, than what I've given you."

He moved to wrap his arms around Barney, sobbing and trembling and letting out every bad emotion he's had since woke up from the blast of the Resonance Cascade. Barney shook beneath him,, a hand clutching somewhat at the bulk of the HEV suit. He turned his head outwards a little as he fought for air for his dying lungs. But if you know Barney Calhoun you know he wouldn't let the loss of air stop him from talking.

"God Gordon...don't you know you're an idiot??" The man wheezed out a shaky laugh. "You've given me...more than you'll ever know. F-from the moment you showed up at Black Mesa, wet behind the ears...and you waved at me just to say hello just to be polite." He paused to breathe again. It was getting really hard now. "You know the whole time I'd been working there you were...the only one who ever...said hello to me?? And you-you did it every day. I-I looked forward to it, you should've known... by the time I started waving back. We're not really supposed to acknowledge the scientists yanno but... how the hell was I supposed to ignore you when you were s-so bright and kind and-and drop dead gorgeous??"

Gordon froze. Barney was beating around some sort of bush even as he was dying. If he was trying to tell Gordon what he thought he was...what he wanted to Barney to say, then Gordon needed him to just say it. Now or never because it's almost too late. "Barn-"

"I love you."

And there it was. The bluntness of Barney Calhoun that Gordon had always found so endearing. And god,, there was no need for a long speech, no drawn out confession. It was short it was simple and it was true. Barney Calhoun loved Gordon Freeman. And Gordon??

"I love you too Barney." He smiled against the pain, they both did. Smiled through the fear of losing your love and the fear of losing your life. They smiled. And they kissed. It was light, it was sweet, it was Gordon and Barney and everything was just okay for the brief moment their lips touched. As Gordon felt Barney's lips growing cold against his own he pressed a little harder. Barney couldn't breathe. He kissed back just as desperately. This was the only chance they were going to get, neither of them were going to let is slip past them. But as all good things do,, even the really good, perfect things, the kiss came to an end. Barney rested his head on in the crook of Gordon's neck as best he could against the HEV suit. It wasn't comfortable and he didn't care. He focused on Gordon's arms wrapping around him, holding him like he had done so many times before so long ago. His body began to grow limp. His vision blurred slightly. He was so goddamn scared but he smiled weakly as he felt Gordon kiss the top of his head.

"Gordon..." He whispered with such little strength now.

...

"I think I'm ready to go now."

Gordon held his sob. He didn't say a word, just held Barney tighter. He could scream and break down once Barney had left this world. Right now he would hold his love and hopelessly pretend that the tighter he held him,, his spirit wouldn't have to leave. Barney closed his eyes and thought about the warm beer he had hidden under his bed. The one he'd carried around with him for 20 years because he promised it to Gordon.

**Author's Note:**

> I tortured my Discord server with this :)


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